At some point in the not so distant future, I’m taking a trip with my sweetie out west. During said trip, we will be spending time with his lovely family, and going out to eat at a nice restaurant. Since I am a vagina owner, I thought that this would be a great excuse…er…perfect time to buy a new dress.

My heart filled with song and I joyfully began my search on both the internet and brick and mortar stores to look for a lovely dress, not too fancy, because it’s a nice dinner not a wedding.

By day three this was my face:

Behold my mad paint skills.

They have beaten me down and ripped the song from my heart. I’m a big girl. Not gigantic. Mostly I wear a size 18, though that means little in the days of vanity sizing where I can fit into anything from a 14 to a 22 depending on what and where it is. The truth is that I don’t know my size anymore, because the fashion industry has gotten ridiculously stupid. I didn’t know how stupid until I tried to get a dress in a size over 12.

You know what all the stores these days thing big girls want to wear? Clingy knit fabrics! Sheathe dresses! Oh my fucking shit, the horror! You know, if a big girl has a nice hourglass shape, she can get away with clingy knit dresses, but what about the rest of us? Do we want to look like we are 23 months pregnant with triplets? I’m telling you, that’s right, you Mr. Big-Girl Dress Designer—we do not.

My mom has a Lane Bryant charge card that she offered me so that I can save money for the trip. I thought that would be my salvation. Lane Bryant usually has some cute things. I can’t buy pants there because I have a tummy, not hips and thighs the size of a thing that has large hips and thighs. If I buy pants there to my waist size, they end up looking like jodhpurs. That’s a type of horse riding pants that often has comically exaggerated thighs. If you are not familiar with the term, google image search it. I’ll wait.

Hilarious, aren’t they? Not quite a look I’m going for though. But I thought getting a dress at Lane Bryant would be no problem. You know what they think I want to wear?

Tube dresses.

You might notice that this photo has been slightly photoshopped to protect the innocent.

What the fuck, Lane Bryant? Let me tell you something. No one outside of the 1970’s and teen girls who don’t know any better wants to wear tube dresses. And here’s another hint: If you can’t even make your lovely plus-sized model look good, then what you are selling is completely and utterly stupid.

As a big girl that does not have an hour glass figure, I’ll tell you what I do not want to wear. Sheathe dresses, clingy knits, pleats around my waist, tiny laughable belts around my waist–or even worse, under my bust. Also, LB, I do not want to wear black. Yes, your large variety of black dresses are fine for some things, but not spring in California. Designers seem to have taken this whole “black is slimming” thing a little too much to heart.

The few non-sheath dresses almost might as well be.

What the fuck is this shapeless shit?

Every single dress I looked at for plus sizes had these things in common: They were unstructured, often with only the tiny, laughable belt at the waist giving them any shape at all. They were all made of clingy stretch knits, every last one of them. They had no real silhouette, unless you were looking for a stretch knit sheathe.

I do not want to wear clingy knits, you fucking hedge pigs! What were you thinking?

You want to date me, don’t you? You just can’t keep yourself away from the glorious silhouette that clingy knits create.

So, guess what dress I’m going to wear for my nice dinner? A dress I’ve had for 10 years. One that has style lines, a fitted bodice, and a lovely skirt that’s hem is actually wider than its waist. I bought it before the unattractive empire style came back to haunt us, and I’ll keep it until this clingy knit trend finally leaves. Because I can be attractive, even if I am a big girl.

It’s a shame, you stupid stores. I was ready to spend money, but I won’t waste money on so-called “fashion” that is lazy and ridiculous. I won’t buy ugly. And it’s not only Lane Bryant. Woman Within, you should be ashamed. Kohl’s, the sizes small, medium, and large are for t-shirts–not dresses. Stop being stupid!

Now, you ridiculous things that call yourself fashion designers for plus sizes, get back to your drafting board, paint up some new renderings, and design some clothes that don’t look like you took a tube of stretch fabric and threw some straps and a micro belt on it.